There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
