This is not my ceiling
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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