i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
