ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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