I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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