worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
