so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
