Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
