I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
How naked do you want me to be?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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