did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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