Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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