This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Randomize
