OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
