Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
