i jhust puked up my retainher.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.