i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
