i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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