my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
