i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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