Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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