he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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