We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The power of my boobs compel you
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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