Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
