I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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