Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
