My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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