I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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