legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
