The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
