I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
