is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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