i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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