youre lurking in front of me
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
