we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
