Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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