I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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