ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
