i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
