Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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