So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
