so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
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