I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
