im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
