Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
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Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
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Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".