We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.