So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
hahahahaha turkey breast
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?