I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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