I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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