quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
