Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
