I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
