I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
