Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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