At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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