Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
