we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Every concussion has its silver lining
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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