My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I can't turn off my feet"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
