The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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