broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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