the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
