Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
